19

I'm writing this as the last couple of hours of my 19th birthday draw to a close. I jokingly said that a existential birthday blog post was most likely on the cards, probably filled with me voicing my fears about growing up, complaining about being lonely and all the tears I'd cried throughout the day. But in a strange stroke of luck, everything has turned around. The only tears I shed have been happy ones dotted throughout the day: rereading letters, unwrapping an apple cutter (a game changer), having a bouquet of flowers sent through the door, reading my mum's birthday card, reading Ambra's birthday card (EWWW DUDE WTF, what are EMOTIONS) and watching her unwrap her birthday presents from yesterday.

My 18th year has been a wonderfully transformative year. A year that I was pushed from within especially, and came out with a newfound awareness of the sheer strength and determination I hold within myself and my existence as a strong, independent woman (as well as the multiple women like this who form my support system). From bringing in the new age crying alone, deciding to un-defer my place at university on August bank holiday (and my dad's panic that ensued), frantically searching for a place to live, going through my first year (which in itself feels like a mountainous achievement after almost dropping out), all the travels, the summer days spent in London. Oh how I have changed since this time last year. I have seen beautiful places, places that I had never dreamed of seeing and met incredible people who have left their mark on me, learnt to appreciate those around me and I truly dove into the deep end with life and growing up and I can't think of a better way to have started adulthood.

And whilst it feels bitter-sweet to leave this 18th year of unexplainable lengths of growth and love and development, this feeling of grasping nostalgia is neutralised by the hopeful elixir of even better days, even more lessons and high pressure situations, even the lows seem tainted with a luscious lashing of optimism; they may be bad and taxing and it'll probably seem like my situation is so dire that it'll only continue to leak through to rock bottom and worsen but the lessons that I know will come out of it will make it all so worth it.

I have sat by beautiful rivers and historic buildings and visited museums which house masterpieces and swam in clear blue lagoons and freshwater lakes, dived off rocks and cliffs, danced till my body has ached but kept dancing more, laughed myself into headaches but kept laughing more, walked through streets drenched in cultural significance and fallen in love in ways I never knew I could, all in my 18th year. I have done all this and more, and whilst I already long for these experiences, I know that my 19th will bring more. These things will happen again in abundance and in a multitude of new ways and they'll be experienced with the people that I love and cherish the most.

I cannot wait to see what my 19th year will bring. The unknown is daunting but I swear it has never looked so bright.

thank you to everyone who has wished me happy birthday !!!! and especially to Ambra, Cam, Hanife and my family for making this day extra special.

Dalal